The Journal of Arthur Dimmesdale
by ErenLover132
Summary: The Scarlet Letter from Arthur Dimmesdale's POV. He doesn't get enough credit and this poor soul can barely stand himself for leaving Hester and Pearl alone to bear the burden! So he has to turn to his journal to vent his feelings and emotions...
1. The Day of Recognition

_**Hey! I have written this as part of an English assignment, but even with that I wrote it with this site in mind too. So I hope you like it! It's my first one so please comment and things! 3**_

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June 14, 1642 – The Day of Recognition

Today was the day of Hester Prynne's public punishment. The townsfolk could hardly contain themselves! The men of the colony were rather soft on her for she only had to stand on the scaffold for a mere 3 hours. The women on the other half were full of loathing and bloodlust; they were proclaiming that, had it been up to them, she would not have lived to see another day. My poor heart could barely stand it! She stood out there, so brave and unbothered by all the comments and stares, with her little baby — our little baby — in her arms! I should've been standing out there with her to bear my half of the sin. Oh, but what a coward I am! When the honorable Governor Bellingham and Mr. Wilson urged me to get her to confess, I said what I must in order to keep this pitiful façade going. But may the Lord our Heavenly Father bless Hester abundantly for she would not sell me out to the multitudes. While I was thankful that she didn't speak, oh how I wish she would've so that my guilt wouldn't be so heavy in my heart!

She has my heart because along with her breath-taking beauty, she is kind-hearted enough to care for me and my reputation and strong enough to bear the shame and the heavy burden of this sin all alone! Oh, how I wish there was more I could do for her and our precious Pearl! In the meantime however, I must discipline myself to make up for this. I must fast and pray, punish myself physically and emotionally for how can I carry on normally when the Lord knows my cowardly, sinful ways?


	2. Chapter 2

August 7th, 1642

A few months ago, the day of Hester's recognition to be exact, a curious stranger appeared in this small, dreary town. He goes by the name of Roger Chillingworth. The name rather suits him, too. With his misshapen form, his slow, plodding gait, and the hint of harshness in his voice, I get a strange and eerie feeling every time he comes near. And his eyes, whenever his gaze is directed at me, seem to shoot ice cold daggers down to my very soul. But maybe I'm hallucinating! He seems quite the kindly well-aged man, and he's quite the physician too! The townsfolk all marvel at his skill; at how dedicated and determined he is as he hobbles along looking for various roots and weeds amongst the floor of the earth. Something must be wrong with me to ever so much as suspect such a man of anything more than his seemingly friendly demeanor! God must have sent him here for a reason, for quite a few of the townsfolk have referenced him to my side in order to help me with whatever it is that ails me. But alas, though they see my frail body and can see the paleness in my cheeks, they may never know how deep the sin that troubles my heart! Nor shall this physician know! I must suffer to myself! But oh, how I despise a lie!

My heart is urging me to reveal myself to the congregation, yet I am too much of a coward to do so! They need to know but yet they mustn't! I can't let all of Hester's work to keep this covered be in vain. Ah, all of my feelings and impulses conflict one another, almost as if my mind and my soul are at war! In order to keep this contained I must council even more closely with the Lord and commune less with others. But yet the physician keeps a close, constant eye on me. His constant presence is quite unnerving…


	3. The Day of the Visit

May 5th, 1645 – Day of the Visit

I'd forgotten about this poor journal! How could I, with all of my sins and troubles written within it? Well today, Hester Prynne and her — our — Pearl came to deliver a pair of gloves to the honorable Governor Bellingham. How beautiful and elegant they were! Hester does the best embroidery. Master Wilson, Roger Chillingworth, and I were communing with him, discussing a matter of grave importance. A lot of the townsfolk have been chattering among themselves and have decided that Hester was unworthy of raising Pearl due to her sin. Can you imagine that? The Lord gave her the child, even if it wasn't in wedlock, and they see it fit to just take her away! This was the discussion that was started upon greeting. I wasn't able to speak due to the fact that as soon as I laid eyes on the lonesome pair, the enormity of my shame and my grief settled upon me. It was everything I could do to keep from collapsing right then and there. The conversation got pretty heated, with Hester screaming and close to tears — my heart could hardly stand it! I couldn't bare seeing her like this and just standing by as she bore all these troubles on her bosom! When she asked me to speak for her I was reluctant, lest I say something to give myself away.

I said what the Lord laid on my heart to say. The child was rightfully hers as it was given to her by our Heavenly Father and may very well have been the only thing she had left. Her husband wasn't there with her and God knows I wasn't. That child, while it be her only blessing, is her greatest curse as well. She does well to have her, though she be of an impish nature. After I spoke, Chillingworth called me out, saying, "You speak with a strange earnestness, my friend." I unconsciously shuddered at the thought of him being my "friend." My health has seemed to decline since he's been in my constant presence and I see him as more of a leech, though he be there for my benefit. I am frailer, shorter of breath, and episodes requiring intense passion such as this were almost more than I could bear! Then I said something that caught even me by surprise, "It's easy to discern how the child is Hester's. Would it be so hard to observe the child's nature and make a guess at who the father could be?" I was hoping they would guess me but alas, Wilson replied, "No, it'd be sinful to make assumptions from that. It'd be better if we pray and fast on about the matter and leave it be unless the father come of his own accord. Every good, Christian man has a title to show a father's love towards the poor baby." In that case, I'm a hypocrite in my title as a godly man. I already knew I was. The guilt weighed so heavily on my heart that the pain was tangible. As I grabbed at my chest, I thought hard on the effect of prayer and fasting. My poor little body could barely stand it from the torture I've already put it through. My mind is screaming with agony at the neglect I've shown Pearl so apparently, it's not enough.


	4. Chapter 4

July 3rd, 1645

I haven't seen Hester in a little while now. I wonder how her and Pearl are doing. I find them on my mind quite often, but whenever the thought of them arises, I have to grip my heart for the guilt and pain are terribly painful. But this is my burden to bear. May the Lord continue to give me strength in my endeavors! But onto the subject at hand: Roger Chillingworth. Him and I, we argue quite frequently. Maybe I'm just beginning to get agitated with myself and my circumstances, but it seems like when he speaks there is a tiny bit of shade that is being thrown. I do not appreciate it. Maybe he's here for some other purpose of which he does not speak? Or maybe I am just overthinking it? Ah, this along with the heavy burden of my sin will surely drive me insane! It's only the grace of God that keeps me in my right mind now. My self-suffering is evident in everything I do, I even speak openly of how unworthy I am to lead Providence in any manner of God! Yet they do not believe me. All they do is worship how "saint-like" I am, and marvel at the very ground I walk on! From my lips, they feel the voice of Heaven speak! From my sermons, souls are won for the Kingdom of Heaven! My very life is considered to be like that of the angels themselves! IT IS ALL IN VAIN! I try telling them, yet they know not of what I speak! The Lord sees my spirit in constant tumult. Hopefully my suffering will have proven to be some benefit on that great Judgement Day, which I feel drawing nearer!


	5. Chapter 5

August 19th, 1648

The air here is practically suffocating. I can hardly stand it! I'm growing sick and tired (quite literally) of Providence. I have gone into my pulpit time and time again with the intentions of letting my congregation know the full and total truth. I was determined to not come down again until I had done that very thing! But even with my mind made up and with such determination, I couldn't utter the words! I am so pitiful and cowardly, worth less than the dust beneath the feet of Satan himself! I deserve to be spat on and trampled upon! Even when I stood before my congregation and told them how filthy, despicable, and unworthy I was, all they did was revere me! Tell me why I must endure this torture? Why I must be mocked and ridiculed so? In my closet, under lock and key lest anyone find it, I have a bloodied whip so that my body can physically experience the torment that my soul and mind must constantly endure. I fast, not to cleanse and purify myself, but as another form of punishment for the terrible sin that I have committed. No, that I commit everyday! Everyone sees my body growing weaker and more fragile as the months go by, but they know not about the near-insanity that I drive myself to every night.

After all of my self-abuse, I see things. Visions and apparitions pass before my eyes in a most ethereal manner. And in those moments I wonder if I've finally passed over to the other aide, and if these visions are to be my eternal punishment. For in them I see Hester guiding Pearl along by her hand and then pointing to the letter on her breast, then at mine. I know that these things aren't real, yet they seem the closest thing to reality. While they torment me, they are freeing since they see me for what I really am.


	6. Chapter 6

August 20th, 1648

After that passage last night, I crept out of my home. An idea formed in my mind and threatened to end me if it was not acted upon. It was pitch black outside, but I didn't fear it. I didn't carry a lantern with me for I knew the path in my heart. I shuffled along to the scaffold, made it up the steps, and collapsed to my knees, gasping for breath. I thought back to the day Hester was recognized. I imagined what she must have went through. All those malicious faces staring back at her, muffled voices carrying messages of death and disgrace, the beautiful little restless bundle of life in her arms, and that letter glowing bright and scorching on her bosom. At that point I felt a pang of pain in my heart so intense that I unwillingly cried out into the night. I peered out at the little houses, fearing that someone heard me yet wanting someone to find me here. But alas, nothing stirred.

This was the night of Governor Winthrop's death. Everyone was either in their homes praying for his soul, or at his deathbed to give him peace and make arrangements for his burial. I came close to being discovered once or twice, but for the most part, I was in the clear. That is, until Hester and Pearl came by. I urged them both to come up to the scaffold with me. I wanted them up here with me, even if it was in vain. This is what I should've done that day. I felt so freed, but yet saddened by the fact that Hester had to see me in my disheveled state. And little Pearl, she leaves me at a loss for words. She's so beautiful, almost the spitting image of her mother with only a few of my features, and yet her nature is so devilish. She wants me to stand with them like this again at noon. Oh, if only I could! But I just can't right now. I'm not at that place, and at this point I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to ever get there. This private meeting made me feel so free and alive! Then there was a meteor that lit up the sky, and the letter A flashed bright for all to see. In the moment of light, I saw the face of Roger Chillingworth not too far from where we stood, and it was twisted into a terrible grimace.


	7. Chapter 7

January 22nd, 1649

It's been so long ago since that wonderfully horrid night! I feel like I'm suffocating from all of this guilt! And under the constant watch of Chillingworth, things just get worse as time passes. I'm a lot weaker now and must walk with a cane for support to hold up my miserable body. His form seems to have changed somehow. He feels more menacing in a way, though I can't solidly place my finger on why I feel this way. Thankfully, I am making a trip to go see Apostle Eliot where I can get a bit of a break from all of this. Of course, I doubt leaving Providence will do THAT much good since this sin constantly in my heart, hotter perhaps than the very fires of Hell!


	8. A Forest Walk

January 23rd, 1649 - A Forest Walk

Quite the miraculous thing has happened today on my trip back to Providence! I happened across Hester! At first I thought it was another of my imaginings since the scene seemed ethereal. It was quite awkward, too. But we went through the insignificant chatter and started talking about what was REALLY troubling us, I found out something quite important. Hester has informed me that the physician, Roger Chillingworth, is really Roger Prynne! Meaning that he was her husband all along, and had been under my roof, keeping watch over me, just to see me deteriorate! No wonder my heart felt such an inexplicable aversion towards him! All this time he was my greatest enemy; a wolf in sheep's clothing!

Hester and I also discussed our feelings since that day. Neither one of us had found peace until we met in that forest! There, we laid our burdens down under the sodden leaves that covered the ground. We arose to find ourselves made anew! I'm filled with an energy that I haven't felt in these past 7 years! And to see the lively youth and color return to Hester's cheeks was more liberating than anything I could've hoped for. God bless her soul! Here she was all this time, the only one who could see me for what I really am! I have loved her then and I love her still. In three days, we're to board a ship and start a new life together in England! I can hardly contain myself! I'm overflowing with excitement! I can't wait to finally be a father to Pearl and to teach her the ways of the Lord; of his wonderful grace and mercy and never ending love!


	9. Back From the Forest

January 24th, 1649 - Back From the Forest

I have had the strangest urges since I returned from the forest. People have already taken notice of my renewed vigor. But Mistress Hibbins has approached me with the accusation that I have joined her and the Black Man and have signed my name in his book. I laugh at the idea. If anything, I have found the most beautiful angel and the promise of a better life; I have found God's mercy and love in the very thing the people of Providence hide their faces from. And last night as I sat down at my desk, I picked up my quill and began to write the most wondrous Election Sermon ever to be written! I have decided to end my career as a minister there for that is the night that I flee with Hester. Strangely enough, the words flowed onto the paper as if God himself were speaking through me! What an incredible miracle!


	10. To My Dear Hester and Pearl

January 25th, 1649 - To My Dear Hester and Pearl

...I'm not at all completely sure what to write today. There is a curious melancholy in the air and I feel as though something's going to happen. I'm feeling...like this may be my final sermon; the final speech. My health is declining even faster and I feel as though I may not make it to see the shores of England again or to begin my new life with Hester and Pearl. God must have imparted me with this knowledge. In this case, I have made up my mind and have fully and completely determined in my heart to confess everything in front of the masses tomorrow after my sermon. Who knows? They may in fact be my final words. So in the case that these events do happen, I'm praying that Hester is able to find this journal. I hate that I won't be able to be with her as I hoped.

To you Hester, I just want you to know that I love you as much as such a pitiful soul as myself is capable. I am truly sorry for not standing with you and bearing my half of the burden these past 7 years. I leave all of my earthly possessions with you and am looking forward to the day that we stand, hand in hand, on Judgment Day. You have my very best wishes.

To my lovely Pearl, I am terribly sorry that I haven't been there for you these past 7 years. You're so beautiful; the spitting image of your mother. While it was my intention to take up my fatherly duties, I'm afraid that the Lord has other plans in his will. Please promise me that even though you don't have an earthly father, that you'll rely on your Heavenly Father. He can provide for you more that I could have. Take care of your mother for me and see to it that she doesn't take on more than she can bear, and try to make her burden lighter since she's bore it all so far.

I pray that both of your futures are bright and that God may forgive me of my sins on the other side. May the Lord be with you both.


End file.
